Wednesday, November 29, 2017

RWR:MEET JAMES BREAKWELL (aka Xploding Unicorn)

James: Are you going to watch the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV?
5-year-old: No.
James: Why not?
5: It's just watching traffic.

A couple weeks ago, I was flipping through the most recent issue of Runner's World when I came upon an article about James Breakwell.  You might know of him on social media as @XplodingUnicorn.  After reading the story, my interest was piqued, so I got online and started scrolling through his Twitter feed.  I found myself laughing out loud at almost every post.  No joke.  I sent a quick text to one of my high school athletes asking her if she knew about this guy.  Her response, Obviously.  He's the funny dad, right??  He's great.  Did you know they have a pet pig?  Okay, so clearly I'm in the dark here.  No big surprise.  Not all of my other, (older?) and perhaps less socially in-tune friends know about this guy; particularly those of us who run around like chickens all day and don't have a lot of time to scroll through Twitter.  But we should.  So, I started sharing his feed with others, many of whom will undoubtedly appreciate his humor.  If you happen to fall in this category, you're welcome.

5-year-old: Every time I learn something new, I forget something old.
Me: What do you forget?
5: I don't remember.

As you may know, my morning routine consists of making and drinking coffee followed by everything else.  Now, it also includes getting online and checking to see what nugget of humor XplodingUnicorn has posted.  I do this for many reasons including, but not limited to,
a) I know it will likely make me laugh
b) As a mom, most of his content is relatable
c) Because his kids, his 7 year old in particular, remind me so much of my own daughter, Grace, who cracks me up daily.

So, who is this guy and what's his deal??  I went straight to the source and pulled the following information directly from his site:
James Breakwell is a professional comedy writer and amateur father of four girls, ages seven and under.  He is best known for his family humor Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn, which boasts more than 950,000 followers.  The account went viral In April 2016 and transformed James from a niche comedy writer into one of the most popular dads on social media.

Can we just discuss?  All four of his girls (yes, 4 girls) are under the age of 7.  And, yes, his family does has a pet pig.  Naturally.  Breakwell just published a book entitled Only Dead on the Inside which blends traditional parenting advice with zombie survival tips, because who doesn't need help in both of these categories?  A little bit more about his book, also from his web site:
This step-by-step manual teaches you how to raise happy, healthy children in a world overrun by the undead. Motivated moms and dads want it all, and that won’t change at the end of the world. There’s no reason you can’t be a zombie killing machine AND parent of the year, but you have to work for it. 

Personally, I can not wait to dive in.  In the meantime, I will continue to seek out Breakwell's humor on Twitter as I literally can't get enough and now consider myself a true fan.  Despite his busy schedule, James was kind enough to let me profile him for the RWR series.  I might have begged a little.  I'm not ashamed.  This guy is just so awesome.  I wanted to know more. You and me, both.  So, without further ado, let's meet James, a runner who rocks.

Me: Ready for some turkey?
5-year-old: I wish the pilgrims ate pizza.


Name: James Breakwell
Where you're from: Illinois
Where you reside now: Indianapolis
Age (if you're ok sharing): 32
Occupation: Professional comedy writer. Amateur father.

What do you love most about running? 
Outrunning my problems.
What do you love most about music? 
It's better than being alone with my thoughts.

Band (current, all time or both): Cake. As a band, it's okay. As a food, it's great.
Album (current, all time or both): The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack. If I want to think of jokes while I run, I can't listen to anything with words. I'm too easily distracted. That limits me mostly to movie soundtracks and instrumental versions of popular songs. Needless to say I am very cool and have many friends.
Race venue: The golf course at Notre Dame. We traveled there for one cross country meet a year in college. It was a very pretty place to lose.
Music venue: My office when the door is closed and the music is loud enough to drown out my kids’ whining.
Race distance: 400 meters. The race is over before your brain realizes how much it hurts.
Show you've seen live? The only concert I've ever been to was Elton John. My wife won free tickets. I felt we paid the right admit.
Ice cream flavor: This isn't a question of opinion. It's a statement of fact. Chocolate for life.

Sweet or salty?
Live or recorded? Recorded.
Coffee or tea? Beer.
Summer or winter? Summer.

Which band or artist would you go see tonight if you could? I'm already in my comfy pants. No way I'm leaving the house.
Which band or artist (wait...but no longer alive or playing together) would you go see tonight if you could? The Beatles. That bootleg footage would sell for a lot.
Which band or artist would you like to have dinner with tonight if you could? None. More food for me.
Which band or artist would you like to be playing alongside you during your next race (or long run)? Cake, playing “Going the Distance” over and over again until I realize they're doing it sarcastically and I quit the race.


Today, I feel like….(fill in the blank)
I should have thought of better answers.

Top 5 Songs for running, dancing or both?
The ewok victory song from the end of Return of the Jedi
That YouTube video of a guy playing Sandstorm by Darude on a tiny plastic trumpet
Wreckingball by Miley Cyrus (don't ask)
Handlebars by Flobots, no matter how much my friends complain about it
America F*ck Yeah from Team America: World Police

Last 5 Songs you listened to today? 
I mostly just heard my kids screaming. Send help.

Listen to this:
Going the Distance - Cake

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