"But I'd rather be scared than not try at all
Dying not knowing if I gave it all
I'd rather be scared than in full control
Not realising that
Our time is now"
'Our Time Is Now', NONONO
Monday morning I was planning to hop in the van from Methuen to Hopkinton with my team instead of dealing with the busses from Boston. It was a great option. But required me waking up at 4:30 so I could have coffee and get everything together before leaving by 5:20 to be up in Methuen by 6:00. That's early, even for me. And yet I still got up pretty easily and enjoyed the quiet moment before the madness of the day. Sadly, my dogs weren't around so I didn't have company which I missed. It's nice to have someone to drink coffee with even if they don't respond to your questions.
My badass teammate, Emilee, had recently suggested upping my pre-race waffle intake to get more calories and carbs. And she seems to know what she's doing. I had tried it a couple times before long runs and it had worked well so this was my game day breakfast. Three waffles is a lot. I had small pieces over a pretty long period of time. And still had plenty of time to digest before I was set to start at 10:25. About 10 of us met in the Whirlaway parking lot at zero dark thirty and our trusted teammate/driver, Chris, had us on the road shortly afterwards. As I was sitting there trying not to stress I got a text from Maggie, who was two rows behind me. See below.
How she had been up for two hours and not yet had coffee was beyond me. And, truly, a broken machine on race day is far and away my worst nightmare. She was really handling it beautifully. We got out to Hopkinton easily and found our spot at the post office, which is where our team always sits and waits for the start thanks to a teammate who has a friend who works there. Lucky us. Maggie and I walked to a coffee shop and got her all sorted out. The relief I felt for her, there are no words. She was very happy.
As I said, LOTS of waiting. We talked about pretty much everything we could think of. I basically know her life story now. We walked, we lied down, we stretched, we used the bathroom about ten times, and then we did it all over again. For three hours. By 10:00 we were chomping at the bit. Everyone was. All of us in Wave 2 got ourselves together and headed to the line.
Being on a team is freaking awesome. I love racing with others at this stage in my life. I have nothing left to prove as far as my times. But I like running hard and having something to work for. And when I race for my team it gives me purpose but more importantly, it's always a blast. I can't recommend the team thing highly enough. Okay, so Maggie and I were walking across the street and we got a text from Lauren, our teammate who was sidelined by an injury and couldn't' be with us that morning (an absolute shit sandwich). Look out for the guy who let us sneak through the fence last year instead of having to walk all the way around to the start corrals, she said. Meanwhile I am looking at this guy in front of me and saying, out loud, You look really familiar. I think I know you. Obviously he was the same guy that Lauren had just texted us about so I introduced myself and showed him my blog post from the year before because he was in it.
THE RACE:
Miles 1-10 (7:03, 6:48, 6:56, 6:44, 6:56, 6:53, 6:56, 7:04, 6:57, 7:01)
Once the gun blew we couldn't move very much because of how crowded it was in our corral. We just eased in slowly and did our best to find a spot where we could run together but also avoid weaving and dodging so we didn't waste energy. We locked into goal pace by the second mile and agreed we would try and hold it there, if not a little slower, for the next few miles. By mile two, I could feel the sweat dripping down both sides of my face. So, that was interesting. I just tried to relax and not think about it. These miles flew by pretty smoothly. To be safe, we grabbed fluids at every stop and passed them back and forth to each other to make sure we both got enough. Again, another reason why it's so awesome to run with a teammate. At mile eight Maggie said, see those giant heads on sticks? That's me. That's my family. And, yes, I know those heads look nothing like me. So we moved left and made a point to wave to her family. After which I confirmed the photos did not, in fact, look like her at all. Two miles later, I saw my friend Wendy and, again, made a point to run over and give her a high five. This was how I'd planned to run this race. I wanted it to be fun and fulfilling and, yea, I wanted to push hard but I didn't care what that meant as far as my time. All things considered, things were going really well. Maggie did say she was a little worried about the heat but we agreed we were running in control and both felt ok so we kept at it. I honestly was feeling confident for both of us to have a decent day.
Miles 10-16 (7:01, 7:11, 7:00, 7:07, 7:13, 7:18, 7:07)
And then I started to feel the heat. And the sun was just blasting in our faces. People who had started out too fast were beginning to walk. Others were pouring full cups of water over their head. Some were even pouring the Gatorade if that's all they could grab. At this point, I was no longer looking at my watch. Time didn't matter anymore. We were slowing down but we both kept checking in on each other and seemed to be managing. I saw my daughter at mile sixteen and ran over to give her a hug. This was far and away the highlight of my day. She's seen me run some marathons, more of them when she was little, but hasn't been to one in a while and seeing her out there was a huge mental boost for me. I had asked her to have a pair of headphones ready in case mine weren't working (was nervous about the water getting into them, which has happened in the past), so she was holding those out for me. I ended up just grabbing her arms so she didn't drop them and then kept going feeling totally elated.
Miles 17-20 (7:41, 7:42, 7:33, 7:53)
For about two minutes. Then I was hot and tired again. We started climbing the hills. Both of us were having to dig so deep at this point. Maggie got in front of me and I just stared at her feet as I ran behind her. We continued to grab drinks, anything we could get our hands on and shared them with each other. We got water and poured it in her bottle so we had extra. We were doing everything we could to stay hydrated. I was really starting to fade around mile nineteen so I decided I would tell Maggie to go ahead without me after we crested the third hill. I tapped her on the shoulder and said something like, I don't know, Maggie. I'm just really struggling and can't hold this effort anymore. She said, yea, I need to take a beat and reset as well. So we moved over to the side and stopped to walk. I have run 32 marathons. I have stopped to walk during one before this. I never do it because I know once I start it will be so hard to get going again. But I could not fight this one anymore. We walked together and talked about how we were feeling and the fact that we'd both shut our watches off. This was survival mode now. But we were still in it together. I remember turning to her after Heartbreak hill and saying something like, I honestly don't know how I'm going to finish this. And she encouraged me to just keep moving. She told her family was at mile 22 and we made a goal to get to them.
Miles 21-25 (10:36, 8:56, 9:40, 9:14, 10:03)
At 21.5 I had to stop again and Maggie told me she was going to cruise up to her parents and she'd wait for me there. Ok, I thought. I can do this. Everything was hurting. My collarbone was so tight due to the dehydration. I had a wicked cramp, probably from all the sugar or from just running bent over for the past few miles. I was slogging on my own now. Walk, jog, walk, jog. I didn't look for Maggie when I passed mile 22 as I didn't want to hold her back. I just pressed on. I was somehow doing it. Mile 22, mile 23, mile 24. And then I started to see spots. I was weaving side to side and losing control of my legs. My vision was going in and out and I was feeling like I might faint. This is when Ursula took me by the shoulders and told me to sit down in the wheelchair because she wanted to check me out. I tried to tell her no, that I wanted to finish. She told me to calm down. That she'd let me finish but she needed to check my vitals first and make sure I was well enough to keep going. I laid down on a cot and put my feet up. My heart rate was through the roof and I was having a tough time getting air. I'm sure this was mainly because I was stressed about being in there but I was having a hard time settling until she finally told me I had to drink and sit for few minutes before she'd consider letting me go on. So I just sat there for a bit and drank while she took my blood pressure and checked me out. I don't know how long I was in there, maybe twenty minutes? I finally felt ready to try again. Do you feel ok?, she asked me. No, I said. I don't. But I'm finishing. She told me she was going to walk with me for a few minutes to make sure I was stable enough before she sent me on my way. So we walked and talked together (her boyfriend lives in Woburn, I remember that much) and then I told I could do it. I hugged her and thanked her and obviously took a photo with her. She was like an angel for me and I will be forever grateful as there is no way I would have finished without her help.
Mile 25.5 - 26.2 (no idea how long this one took)
I was back on my own and knew I could make it. I would try and run a little but then feel myself getting dizzy and so I'd pull it back to a walk. On and off I went like this until I finally turned onto Boylston street. Everything hurt so much and I was so out of it but I willed myself to run, or let's be honest, to shuffle the finish.
I looked up to see my good friend, Hatim, congratulating runners as they crossed the line. I basically fell into his arms. I had f***ing done it. And I couldn't believe it. It was a GD miracle. Turns out he was going to hug me whether he liked it or not. For real, it was very cool to finish this way, with someone I know really well, after such a brutal battle.
I walked gingerly through the chute and tried to get it together mentally. I did not have a post race plan to get home (not smart). I was just going to hop in a cab or Uber once I'd regrouped. Umm, no. That was not happening. First, a car was not going to get anywhere near the finish line. And second, I was totally incapable of making any decisions or doing anything that involved logistics. Like, I just couldn't function. I texted Maggie and she told me where she was so I focused on getting to her. I did stop and smile for a photo with my medal because despite being an absolute shit show, I was so freaking proud of this one. And I wanted to remember feeling this way when the dust settled later as I knew I would be so bummed about how the race had gone and needed this moment engraved in my mind.
I found Maggie at the family meeting area and gave her the biggest hug. Oh my lord, I would never have made it through the last three hours and forty minutes without her. Zero exaggeration here. It just wouldn't have happened. I know it. She pushed me through the whole damn thing. To say I am grateful is truly the understatement of the year. I just love this gal so much for all she did for me. Since I had no plan and could make no logical decisions I asked her if I could go with her and her family to her apartment because I had no idea what else to do with myself. Her parents, bless them, were totally supportive and helped me get to their car. Her mom and Aunt crawled into the third row of their Volvo so I didn't have to. This is when you realize how most people in this world are inherently good. They basically just adopted me and got me out of the mess of the finish when they absolutely did not have to do any of it. I love them, too.
We finally made it to Maggie's place and I called my daughter, Grace, and asked her to come get me. She told me it was a forty minute ride in so I borrowed clothes from Maggie and sat on her bed in fetal position while she celebrated out in her family room with about 20 people. I mean, you can't make this shit up. I was a legit dumpster fire. Grace, bless her, finally made it in despite the fact that she hates driving in the city. I would say I owe her big time but I don't really because I do a shit ton for her. But I did appreciate it. And she didn't complain, which I also appreciated. Finally, we made it home. I've never been happier to crawl into my bed. Which is where I stayed for the remainder of my afternoon. I slept and processed and slept and processed some more. Holy hell. It was such a good day until it wasn't. What happened? I really don't know. Maybe heat stroke. Maybe I didn't take in enough fluids the day before. Maybe I didn't adjust my pace enough up front and my 49 year body just couldn't power through those conditions the way I wanted it to. I don't have an answer and never will. Which I guess I'm okay with. In 26.2 miles I had gone from, I love marathons and can't believe I get to do this to I hate this and I am never, ever, doing this again. And that pretty much sums up the day in a nutshell. And, really, the marathon in general. It's a freaking beast. Good or bad. Always is. Sometimes we can fight it and we win. Other times, we battle it out, and maybe we put up a great fight, but we lose. And sometimes we lose really hard. And it's ugly. And when it's over we wonder why we would ever put ourselves through anything like that in the first place. And then the next day we text our family or friends, or in my case, Maggie, and talk about our plan for the next marathon we will be doing together because there is no way we aren't coming back for a rematch. That's the thing about the marathon. It's a constant battle. And we hate to love it. But we can't help it. We just can't. It's sick and twisted and kind of beautiful. And I know most of you get it. To be continued.
Listen to this:
Our Time Is Now by NONONO
*This post is dedicated to my dear friend and teammate, Maggie Mullins. So much love for you, Maggie.
