THE UGLY

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” 

~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

It was Monday at 8:30am and I'd planned to be well into my workout by this point.  So much for my plan.  My daughter, Grace, and I had taken off around 7:00 for camp drop-off.  It was her third week at this camp, which she loves.  Stupidly, I'd figured that we'd be checking in, dropping bags and high-fiving as we said our goodbyes since the process was now old-hat for both of us.  Pipe dreams, really.  As she unpacked her bags, Grace surveyed the scene and slowly realized that none of the other campers in her cabin looked familiar.  And unlike the last time she was here, she didn't have her sister to lean on because Rosie was off doing something else.  So, she immediately went into panic mode.  Then the tears came quickly afterwords.  Back into the car we went.  She was saying things like, I can't do this, and it's going to be awful, and how can I stay here for 5 days with NO FRIENDS?!!,  and so on and so forth.  I did my best to remain calm and tried to assure her that she'd likely have new friends within the next two hours and that there was no doubt in my mind that she was going to have a blast.  I told her that she'd just have to get over this uncomfortable hump and then she'd be good to go.  She didn't buy it.  Not that she was expecting me to tell her that she could bag camp and come home with me.  Thankfully, she and I both knew that wasn't happening.  Instead, she just drew out the process of saying goodbye along with the added drama for a solid hour.  By the time I left, she'd calmed down and gone with her counselor to make bracelets.  She was fine.  I was a mess.  I was annoyed, frustrated and sad for her all at the same time.  Between that and the heat and humidity, which were now at full force, it was a perfect set up for a the 10 mile marathon pace workout that I had to tackle.

Or not.  I drove over to the park where I was starting as I tried to chill out and switch gears.  I'd been hoping to treat this workout like a dress rehearsal for my upcoming half in September.  Here's what I said to myself...out loud.

Okay, Rebecca.  This is the deal.  Your September half doesn't start until 10am and it could very easily be as hot as this.  And let's be honest.  Anything could happen on race morning that might throw you off your game.  You could oversleep, you might get lost on your way out, another kid meltdown, who knows.  Bottom line, your current scenario - arriving on the later side to a race in a stressful state - while not ideal, is a pretty realistic one, so let's just suck it up and get going.   

They happen a lot, these solo conversations.  Perhaps you do it as well.  If so, you get it.  If not, well, yes, it's pretty strange.  But, we do what we do.  I changed into my shoes, drank some water and took off for my warmup.  The path I was on had some solid shade, which was a bonus.  I still felt like I was swimming in the humidity, but at least it I didn't have the sun beating down on me directly.  I got back to my car, drank some more water, did a couple strides and lined up on the path as if I was racing.  Game on.  Here's how it went:

Mile 1: 6:45 - It was a solid first mile. I felt good from head to toe.  My body was awake, my mind was now focused and I was feeling ready to take things on.  I hit my target perfectly.
Mile 2: 7:00 - At some point during mile 2, my mind decided it was not so sure about the situation.  I can't do this I said as I stepped off the path. And then DAMMIT.  I had two options.  I could bail and do the workout the next day on a treadmill.  Or I could fight it out and see how far I could get while also adjusting for the heat.  Come on, Trax.  You CAN do this.  Let's go.  Obviously I chose the latter.  I cleared my watch and started again.
Mile 3: 6:33 I needed to adjust my pace but I also wanted to run by feel instead of using my watch which I felt was adding too much stress.  At the end of mile 3, I stopped again.  This is crazy.  I'm done.  I felt like this mile had been too off pace and it simply wasn't worth it to keep going.  But then I checked my watch and saw that I'd actually gone too fast.  (Note:You can safely assume that all my talking from this point forward was out loud and to myself).  Good grief.  You've got to get it together here.  You are stronger than you think.  And there is no way you'd quit at this point if you were actually racing.  You have 7 miles to go.  Do what you can given the situation.  Stop thinking so much and just go.
Miles 4-6  6:48, 6:57, 7:15  Off I went again.  I was just trying to manage now and do what I could.  I was too far in to quit.  I turned around at 5.5 miles so I'd finish where I'd began.  I started to overheat in the 6th mile and felt a little dizzy so I pulled back on pace significantly.  I'd need to do the same thing if I was racing I thought to myself.  Let's ease off now and see if you can pick back up at the end.  
Mile 7: 6:50  I was now back on track.  So a lesson learned there.  Take a little break when you need it.  Remember, this is a practice.  It's good to try this stuff.
Mile 8:  6:47  Still on track but starting to suffer from the heat again.  I knew there was a water fountain up ahead and willed myself to get there with the promise of a stop as my carrot.  The fountain was at 8.8 miles.  I took off my visor and drenched it.  I splashed my face.  And then I drank. And drank some more.  The tourists on the path around me must have thought I was nuts.  Whatever.  Now I had 1.2 miles to go.  I was cooled off and fully hydrated.  Let's get this shit DONE. (yep, out loud)
Mile 9:  7:12  Way off pace but I hadn't stopped my watch for the water so I wasn't surprised.  It was survival mode now to the finish.
Mile 10:  6:39  I gave it everything I had for this mile and by some miracle, I slipped in right under goal pace.  Praise be.
Overall Average: 6:52

I didn't hit goal pace.  But, all things considered I came in pretty damn close which was a total surprise.  It's been a long time since a workout has challenged me as much as this one did.  When it was done, my thoughts were all over the place.  On the one hand, I was really proud of myself for fighting it out, even if it was ugly.  On the other hand, I worried that I'd blown the workout given how broken up and off pace it had been.  In the end, though, I decided that battling the elements and working through the chaos was the right call.  The next day my coach sent me his thoughts on the workout:

Yesterday was a choppy, grinding effort but you got it done despite the heat and some distractions.  Workouts like that definitely toughen you up and remind you that you are capable of more than you realize.

Racing is unpredictable.  We can train our brains out but there is always going to be that one variable, sometimes more, that is totally out of our control.  Maybe I'm not faster after getting through this one.  But I am mentally stronger.  And perhaps I won't be quite as thrown by the unknowns next time I'm about to start a race because I can look back on this one and remember that I got through it.  I suppose it's all part of this crazy process.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

Listen to this:

Run the Road by Santigold